Given that I'm a highly adventurous eater, and a born and bred Kiwi, there's a damn good reason why I haven't got round to trying certain foods over the past 46 years.
Where better to get the ball rolling than Foodtown's canned meat aisle?
$16 later I was the somewhat trepidatious owner of a tin of turkey spam, a tin of cooked carrots, an energy drink and a box of "Big Bugs 'n Mud - with chocolatey crunchy cluster crackle" (love the alliteration) breakfast cereal.
Lunch wasn't going to be good.
My mate Janice called by just before noon and innocently accepted the offer of a bite to eat. She quickly opted for toast when I told her what was on the menu.
The thought of turkey spam really scared me. Which bits of the turkey would it contain? Did those bits contain feet? Or brains? Or other unmentionables?
As for the carrots, I don't like cooked carrots so canned ones held no great promise. Trouble was, they were the only available canned vege that I'd never previously eaten...until now.
I've never seen the point of energy drinks. And I don't particularly like sweet beverages. So an energy drink seemed an ideal accompaniment for my loathsome lunch.
As for chocolate breakfast cereal. I make my own low fat, low sugar museli. For a change I'll sometimes breakfast on wholemeal toast, or porridge. Say no more.
In the interests of getting lunch down and keeping it down, I decided not to read the ingredients lists beforehand. Especially not on the turkey.
The turkey was scary stuff; salmon pink (I thought cooked turkey flesh was usually white?), firm and shiny. I was stupid enough to give it a big sniff and broke out in a cold sweat at its avian aroma.
Janice, who'd sampled a bit while I was steeling myself to take a bite, informed me it was foul (no pun intended). She then proceeded to read out the ingredients list, starting with "turkey broth".
Gad, what would go in to mass produced turkey broth? Images of frothy salmon pink stuff abounded. Telling her to shut up, I cut a bit, chewed and swallowed.
A vain attempt to enhance lunch's palatability; smiley face food never worked with the kids and it didn't fool me either. That cylindar thingy to the left is a chunk of turkey spam. Full marks to me for struggling through most of it.
And the verdict?
Turkey spam: Overly salty, glistening, suspiciously pink. I'd voluntarily eat it again if I was stuck on a desert island. Rating = 3.5
Canned carrots: Unpleasantly squishy, salty, 'thin' tasting. Ditto re: the desert island. Rating = 3.5
Energy drink: sweet fizzy taste. Inoffensive but not really my thing. Rating = 5
And for the grand finale, a bowl of Big Bugs 'n Mud with milk, to chase away the spam and carrot taste.
The verdict: Very sweet (38% sugar), but not as sweet as I'd expected. Chocolatey but with an unusual underlying blandness from the puffed wheat, puffed rice and rolled oats. Give me home made museli any day. Rating = 5.
Unlike yesterday's dessert, the sum of the whole with today's lunch was less than the sum of the parts. I had to go to a meeting after lunch and found myself queasily obsessing on spammish thoughts as I drove. Not good.
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